The Stress of Stress (By Andy)

I need to not listen to NPR.

It all started when I made the mistake of listening to City Arts and Lectures, which I always get sucked into because Linda Hunt's introduction is always hilariously pompous.  Imagine the most British-sounding non-British person you can think of saying things like, "Today, we speak with Darius Witherspoon.  Mr. Witherspoon is the author of the books "Art: A Legacy," and "Why you are too much of an imbecile to understand Art" and has written extensively for the New Yorker.  Please join him now for a conversation with art critic Lionel Bensen."

One time City Arts and Lectures interviewed somebody who had written a book about sex, and that made Linda Hunt's intro the most incredible thing I had ever heard in my entire life.

But then one day she had a stress expert on, a very impressive professor from MIT who talked about how to relax.  They asked him for a demonstration and he started talking about focusing all your energy on the existence of your left hand until it started to feel heavy and then light and then like it was nothing, not even a hand, just a ball of energy.

It was really cool.  Or so I thought.

See, I wake up 1-2 times a night to put our little baby back to sleep, and each time is usually at least a 40 minute exercise.  And during that time, there is nothing to do except think.  So what do you think about?

Sports food thirsty bathroom turned 30 job search job search job search baby's eyes open why is there no clock in the nursery it's like a casino job search sports warriors cal sports kids kids kids kids kidskids kids  job search money money eyes are closing jobs need job todo list work todo list money (see money: lack thereof) sports i left my car window up

The point is that other than sports, pretty much everything I think about at 4am is stressful.  Which is stressful, but understandable.  I could live with that.  The problem is, the people who know what they are talking about seem to think that getting no sleep and being stressed all the time makes people die.  So now, rather than simply wallowing in my stress, I walk back and forth across the nursery, holding my 78 pound baby (approximate), thinking "Don't be stressed!  Don't be stressed!"
In other words, my biggest stress is stress.

One night I tried Mr. MIT's advice.  I lasted about 30 seconds.

My left hand is sagging, drooping.  It feels heavy.
It's probably cancer.  I probably have hand cancer. 
Great I'm going to die at age 31 of hand cancer.

My heart started pounding and my body tensed up.  The baby woke up and smiled his googoo-face 4am smile, the one that says "you're not going to sleep very soon."

I break down and smile back.  Kids.  They are the opposite of stress.  How could anyone with kids be stressed?